One Woman’s Story

I’m not a medical doctor or a counselor — just a woman who chose abortion and lives today without that child in my life. Truly if there was one thing I could go back and undo in my life, it would be that abortion. 

I was 19 years of age and in college when I got pregnant. My boyfriend wasn’t supportive of a life decision — he insisted on the abortion. While my head said abortion was the eraser to my mistake, my heart knew the truth because I had already connected to my unborn child. Had my boyfriend been supportive, I would probably have not aborted but I will never know.  

I didn’t know that my abortion would involve emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual consequences. The fact that 33% of all women have experienced abortion is a good reference. If nearly half of all women have had abortions, why is it that you never hear any of them sharing about their experiences?

I know from ministering to tens of thousands of post-abortive women that the shame and grief keeps them from sharing. We expect judgment from most. Many of us never allowed ourselves to actually grieve our lost children until years afterwards when we couldn’t erase the memory of the child from our hearts. While we may have initially felt relief, the forever pain of being the mothers of dead children has long outlasted any initial relief.

If you are reading this post and are pregnant, then you are already a mother. This fact is done. By the time you discover you are pregnant, your child is formed with arms, legs, eyes, fingers, toes, etc. To learn more about his/her development and to see what he/she looks like, click here then click on “your first 9 months”. The only thing your child needs to do is get a little bigger.

But regardless of being already formed, she/he has already bonded with you internally. She/He is dependent on you already. You can reject them — that’s your legal right — but you will never forget them. She/He can feel pain now and will feel tremendous pain when aborted. That is one fact that I still have trouble living with — and cry even now at the memory of the pain my child went through so I could live my life the way I wanted. There are thousands of tears on my pillow for my child — whom I later named Jesse. I will never hold him this side of heaven. At least you will know more than I did when I made that choice. By the way, Jesse would be turning 35 soon. You never forget.

If you break up with your partner, keep in mind that the man you want to marry will probably need to know you have had an abortion. One of the unexpected consequences of my abortion was fear that the man I wanted to marry wouldn’t want me because I was post-abortive. I was filled with anxiety and eventually ran full throttle into a promiscuous lifestyle.

In that dark period, I took drugs to suppress the memories of the abortion experience itself — a horribly painful process that put me into physical shock. When a nice man wanted to date me I ran the other way because I felt he wouldn’t want me with this in my past. Finally I met a man whom I loved and trusted and I knew there was a possibility that he would love me anyway. Thankfully he did and we have enjoyed many long years of marriage.

After I got married, I couldn’t get pregnant. I never realized that the abortion could make me unable to have a baby. Not only can women die during abortion procedures, but they can also be hurt physically. Why don’t you hear of these deaths? Because their family members don’t want to admit the person had an abortion.

My doctor believed that my infertility was due to an incomplete abortion. Pieces of my child remained in my body and eventually blocked my fallopian tubes. I had to tell my husband that I might not get pregnant because of my abortion. That was my worst fear.

God intervened and through a procedure they were able to unblock my tubes. I was pregnant 10 days later. But 16 weeks into the pregnancy I felt a sharp stab of pain and then began to hemorrhage. We later discovered that this was also possibly due to my abortion. The abortion had weakened my uterine lining and the placenta had torn away – a condition called “Abruptio Placenta.” This is common in post-abortive women and could have caused me to bleed to death. The doctor said that either I would miscarry or the placenta would re-attach. Thankfully my baby survived.

When they placed this child in my arms I was overwhelmed with emotion. The love I felt towards him was totally unexpected. He was my son and part of me. I never expected those emotions. That was when my aborted child started to haunt me. It took me three years to finally come to a point where I could acknowledge Jesse to my heart and accept his death, at my hands, and mourn him. I was finally able to come to some peace but there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t miss Jesse.

If you think you are pregnant, a Pregnancy Resource Center can help you in a variety of ways — for free! They can do everything to support you from providing maternity clothes, helping with insurance, baby clothes and furniture, etc. All your dreams can still come true so you can have a hope for your future.

Sydna A. Massé – [email protected]

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Ramah Resources

Healing After AbortionSydna Massé compassionately leads you on the difficult journey through denial, anger, and grief, to forgiveness, redemption, and letting go. Her Choice to Heal offers a road map to healing – practical suggestions, resources for help, space to journal, with the encouragement and hope.
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