Sydna Massé Blog

Before I attended an abortion recovery class, I felt God could just step in miraculously and sweep away all my emotional and psychological pain relating to this choice. When He didn’t heal my heart quickly, I felt abandoned again and thought, “Perhaps He has sent the agony as a way to punish me for sacrificing my child on the altar of choice?” I never realized that His plan for my life included facing this deep trauma from my past. The ache wasn’t His punishment but simply a consequence of my abortion choice. Addressing the grief would help me heal.

It’s been nearly twenty years since my abortion recovery class. Over the years I have met a handful of women who truly did heal from this pain miraculously. I’ve never doubted anyone healing initially. God clearly can do anything He wants to do. But this “instant healing” is rare.

Today I’m grateful that God loved me enough to know that the process of grieving was good for my heart. By withholding immediate healing, God’s discipline was to let me face the grief of this choice. He would also use the processing of this pain to teach me love for others going through the same grief journey. Just as Jesus needed to come to earth to “walk in our shoes” as humans, I needed to walk through my own pain so that I could help others.

In Psalm 94:12-15 David writes, Blessed is the man whom You instruct, O Lord, and teach us Your law. That You may give him rest from the days of adversity . . . For the Lord will not cast off His people, nor will He forsake His inheritance. But judgment will return to righteousness, and all the upright in heart will follow it. God’s instruction helps us walk through the pain of our choices in life. If He simply removes the pain we may not learn the intimate details of His love, mercy and grace. This pain is something we may need to understand in order to avoid sinning in the future.

Hebrews 12:7-11 offers another perspective, If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

After my abortion I walked away from God’s presence. I believed the shameful message in my head that said God would never want to walk with me since I had abandoned one of His incredible gifts of life. Seven long years of running from this pain left me longing to “partake” in His holiness once again.

My abortion had been a step on the road of many dysfunctional activities that needed to be confessed and resolved with the Lord. The “process” of the abortion recovery class ensured that other parts of my heart were open to revelation and healing. These additional issues were a bigger weight than I had ever imagined and important in my ongoing spiritual health.

In taking a step of faith in directly addressing this loss, I received incredible understanding of God’s amazing mercy and grace. That grieving process allowed me to become a beacon of hope to other struggling hearts.

The only thing to do is to embrace this pain and understand that God is going to use it in our lives. Whatever you may think, God doesn’t enjoy watching His children suffer.  God will never give us more than we can emotionally handle.  I had always been afraid that if I started crying, I would never stop.  I thought addressing the pain could lead me to suicide.  I was wrong on both points. 

Another thing to understand is the pain is temporary. While you don’t think it will ever go away, there are thousands on the peaceful side of the grief to prove you wrong. We have survived the truth of our choices, grieved our losses, allowed God’s love to help us forgive those who harmed us (included ourselves), and come to the point of peace where God can use us to help others.

Have hope that you won’t feel this pain forever. Ask God to give you moments of peace to understand His love and discipline. He won’t desert you – ever.

Sydna A. Massé
August 31, 2011

If you are struggling with a past abortion decision, please visit Ramah International’s “The Healing Place” for more insight, education and comfort. Pregnancy centers across the world offer abortion recovery services. To locate the center in your area, visit Ramah International’s “Help in Your Area” pages.

Sydna A. Massé is President and Founder or Ramah International (ramahinternational.org) and author of the book, Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion. She and her husband, Tom, reside with their 3 adult sons, in Fayetteville, AR.

One thing I never expected after my teenage pregnancy and subsequent abortion experience was how difficult it would be to be honest about this procedure on a routine doctor’s intake form.  I felt a deep fear each time I encountered one of the most difficult questions for a post-abortive woman – number of pregnancies.

My “reproductive history” was difficult to verbally outline until healing had taken place in my heart.  Quite obviously, my abortion decision violated my “feminine ideals” of womanhood that were based on the concepts of sexual purity and nurturing motherhood.   I also violated my own maternal genetic code that was designed to encourage my mother’s heart to “protect my young at all costs.” 

The abortion I endured in 1981 was a closely held secret for many years.  I was hesitant to share it with anyone — especially a physician.  However, fear of condemnation and my own shame never over-ruled my conscience and I was normally truthful.  As each new doctor reviewed my form, and clarified the fact that I had an abortion, my heart shame was increased.  Rarely did I allow my emotions to surface in these encounters. Yet, regardless of how the question was asked, it always resulted in new grief for the child I’d never hold this side of heaven.

The Alan Guttmacher Institute of Reproductive Health, states that “…at current rates, 33% of all American women will experience abortion at least once by the time they are 45 years of age.”[1]  If abortion is such a common experience, why do you rarely hear women share their own abortion experience?  Why would there be any stigma in a medical setting that could mean women would lie about a past abortion?

Many of us chose abortion to erase a mistake.  Many felt it was the only choice in a difficult situation.  Others were dragged into clinics by parents or boyfriends who gave them no other options.  Like Feminist Frederica Matthews-Green once stated, “A woman doesn’t want an abortion like an ice-cream cone or a Porsche, but like an animal caught in a trap who knaws off its own leg.”   

Years after an abortion many women come to quietly regret this choice in one way or another.  In order to hide the pain and grief, many isolate this remembrance and give great physical energy to the task of forgetting it ever happened.   Avoiding triggers of the memory is required to keep our skeleton hung firmly in the closets of our minds.  Yet life is full of reminders — a child that is the same age as our aborted baby, a gynecological exam, a dentist drill that reminds us of the sounds of the abortion clinic, subsequent pregnancies, and that simple question — number of pregnancies.

I remember struggling with infertility in 1987.  I was terrified that my abortion could be connected to my closed womb and determined to be truthful with my new OB/GYN about this past choice.  When I was truthful about the “number of pregnancies,” this physician politely outlined that a uterus could certainly be weakened by the suction machine that is used in the abortion procedure.  He never revealed his political perspective on abortion during these visits.  Instead, he shared the truth that my abortion could indeed be the reason I could not get pregnant.

This physician went on to outline that uterine scarring and blocked tubes could result from a less than perfect abortion procedure.  I was instantly terrified by his comments.  Could I have aborted my only child?  He must have understood my shame/fear because he wasn’t judgmental in any way.  Instead, there was kind and gentle compassion, when he relayed a simple test could determine if this was my situation. If there had been uterine scarring, that didn’t necessarily mean I’d never be able to bring a pregnancy to term.

The next week, a test called a hysterosalpingogram was scheduled.  I didn’t expect the procedure to feel physically like the abortion.  Intense uterine cramping quickly triggered my memories on the abortionist’s table where I had endured an abortion without benefit of anesthesia.  The teenage memory I had worked to contain flashed instantly to the surface of my mind as I re-experienced the abortion again at a psychological level.  Later the doctor would explain my tubes HAD been blocked but the procedure seemed to have remedied the situation.  Ten days later I became pregnant with my beloved son, Bruce.

After this procedure, my abortion experience was so close to my heart that it seemed only a day had passed instead of six years. The humiliation, physical pain and intense fear of being unable to get pregnant were right in my throat all over again.  I found myself crying through most of the night.  My heart was insisting that I grieve this loss but I fought that sentiment.  After all, I told myself, I had only lost a blob of cells and not a child!

This same caring doctor helped me when I suddenly hemorrhaged sixteen weeks into Bruce’s pregnancy.  When he put the doppler on my stomach and we heard Bruce’s strong heartbeat, we were all relieved.  He thought I was experiencing a condition called, “placenta abruptia,” which was common with post-abortive women. My unborn son’s placenta could have torn away from a possibly weakened uterine lining.  Then he said, “Let’s do an ultrasound to see if I’m right!”

The ultrasound was conducted quickly and I had no time to prepare.  As my husband, Tom, and I headed to the adjoining ultrasound room, I thought about how developed this unborn child could be at 16 weeks.  The abortion nurse had clearly told me that I was only aborting a blob of cells at seven weeks. Not knowing a great deal about fetal development, I expected the ultrasound to reveal a cluster of cells.

As I lay on the exam table, I noticed my husband’s excitement.  He was hoping to see the sex of our child.  Logically, I felt that was impossible based on my “blob of cell” theory. Seeing a fully formed baby on the monitor was a complete shock.  The screen revealed my unborn son, fully developed, obviously a male and he was sucking his thumb and kicking me violently.  I could not feel his movements yet.  

Needless to say, Bruce’s humanity on that screen ruined my closely held belief that I had only aborted a blob of tissue.  If this baby was fully formed at 16 weeks, how developed had my aborted child been at seven weeks gestation?  Again, I tried to push those thoughts aside but it was difficult.

Several months later this physician smiled as he placed my firstborn son into my arms for the first time.  I never expected to feel the depth of love towards such a small person in an instant.  It was at that point that I realized how much I would have loved my aborted baby and grief descended once again.   This doctor was at my side during this realization.  

After my second son was born, this phantom grief grew even worse.  Unable to put these memories aside any longer,  I finally surrendered and began an abortion recovery class at a local pregnancy center.  The results of that class were life changing.  In grieving my lost child, I found peace at a spiritual, physical, psychological and emotional level.  I have spent the remainder of my career working to offer this hope to other women who could also be struggling with a past abortion decision.

If you are part of the medical community, please understand that the “number of pregnancies” can be difficult for post-abortive women to answer truthfully.  When women are honest on a medical intake form, please understand they’ve shared a very deep secret. Please do not offer insensitive comments like, “You made the best decision at the time,” or “You can always have more children.” These comments tend to make women feel like no one wants to talk about their obvious pain.  Instead, be ready with compassionate responses that allow the individual to speak freely about this past choice, positively or negatively. 

For those obviously in pain, be ready with a referral to a local pregnancy center’s abortion recovery ministry that can help them deal with these memories in a positive manner.  Likewise, if a post-abortive woman does not seem concerned or upset about a past abortion, don’t outline any sympathy or judgment.  Health care issues relating to a past abortion are best discussed without including any political perspective.

My honesty on medical intake forms today is due to my ability to finally grieve this experience in my life.  With God’s help, and the gentle compassion of a caring doctor and many others, my pregnancy loss grief relating to abortion has been expressed.   I have dedicated my life to helping others find the peace I so gratefully enjoy today.   That peace and hope is available to everyone, regardless of their political perspective on this issue!

Sydna Masse

August 24, 2011

If you or someone you know is struggling with a past abortion decision, abortion recovery services are available through most pregnancy centers.  To find your local center, visit the “Abortion Alternatives” section of your yellow pages or visit Ramah International’s “Help in Your Area” page  Help in Your Area  

Trusting and obeying God can be hard when He doesn’t make sense. I can hardly bear the story of Abraham and his son, Isaac, found in Genesis 22:1-14.  It’s all about God testing this man to see if Abe would trust Him completely.  God performed a miracle at Isaac’s birth because Abraham and Sarah were nearly 100 years old!  What faith that must have instilled in the hearts of these two parents to have a baby when you were as good as dead. Why would God ask Abe to take his son’s life on an altar as a sacrifice? 

It seems like a cruel prospect but Abe was faithful.  He trusted God in spite of the potential horrific consequence – his son’s death at his own hand.  At the last minute an Angel of the Lord intervened and said (verse 12), Do not lay your hand on the lad, or do anything to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me.” It’s a relief to know that God really didn’t want Abe to kill his son.  He was testing Abe to see if he would trust Him even when He didn’t make sense.

When I started my abortion recovery class, I was only there because of God. In a way that is difficult to describe, our Creator seemed to insist in so many ways that I attend.  He even put the words into my mouth when I voluntarily agreed to attend as part of taking a new job.  God provided the class as a way to not only test my obedience but to make me completely reliant on His will.  Finally, the Lord also knew about the amazing peace and unexpected joy that I would receive at the class’s completion.  Bascially, He was developing my faith for the future.

Okay, so I’m not that good.  I fought attending this abortion recovery class nearly every step of the way.  I felt God was being mean and spiteful for forcing me to address this horrendous pain in my life.  How did He force me?  By waking me up at night to reinforce His calling and filling my mind with memories that I could no longer avoid.  Sleep deprivation is a powerful motivator.  Today I look back on that time as the most special place in my life.  God was so close and spoke to my heart in a way only a loving heavenly Father can do.  He provided the class to help me find Him again, not to torture me.

In those early days of my abortion recovery class I couldn’t thank God for the process He was accomplishing in my heart.  When the pain was intense I’d get angry at Him for putting me through such turmoil.  My life seemed to be a series of incredible traumas.  When you put them end to end there is no way that one person should have experienced so much horror.  But God provided each ordeal in my life for a reason.  As I’ve grown in faith I look at people who haven’t experienced trauma and feel sorry for them.  Many don’t know how to react when tragedy strikes. I’m stronger because of the agony and the faith that it developed in my heart for God as a result of simple obedience.

In spite of the pain, God wants His children to praise Him in all things. By praising in the hard times, faith is refined.  It also messes up the enemy’s plan to keep us in spiritual bondage. We will certainly be grieved by the trial of working through this loss but, there will be a great result in the end. This is relayed in I Peter 1:6-9, In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith—the salvation of your souls.

God provided Abraham with enough faith to get up that mountain and put his only son on an altar. He asked, “Do you trust me enough to give me the life of your son?” God wants you to know that He has provided a way for sins to be redeemed through the death of His Son, Jesus Christ. 

Take a step of faith and agree to continue to work on whatever pain the Lord has brought to your mind.  If you have experienced abortion, consider attending an abortion recovery class.  Ramah International’s “Help in Your Area” outlines local pregnancy centers that typically offer this form of compassionate support.

In all things, praise the Lord for any ache you are feeling now because addressing it will refine your faith and leave you stronger in Him. I’m grateful for God’s ongoing faithfulness and love, as outlined in Psalm 110:5, For the Lord is good, His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations.” 

If you have suffered the pain of abortion, and want to talk, please feel free to e-mail at sydna@aol.com. 

Sydna Masse

August 22, 2011

Many of us who have been raised in traumatic circumstances have a hard time understanding the nature of love.  When someone says, “God is love,” we think, “What does that mean?”  I spent a great deal of my life fearing God, particularly so after my abortion.  When I read the following passage from I John 4:17-19, I realized this fear was wrong:

Love has been perfected among us in this; that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.  There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment.  But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.  We love Him because He first loved us.

That passage helped me to see that there is no fear in love.  I hadn’t been “perfected” by God’s love until I could accept the love God gave me by sending His own Son to earth to die for my sins. My abortion recovery class leader said, “If your abortion was the only sin on earth, God still would have sent Jesus to die on the cross . . .” It’s hard to comprehend love like that because we don’t understand the nature of God’s love.

In First Corinthians 13, Paul talks about God’s love as “agape” – the kind that is based on the intentional decision of the one who loves rather than the worthiness of the one who is loved. 

Part of my misunderstanding of God’s love was that I never felt worthy of it.  But God doesn’t care how I feel – He loves me anyway.  God’s form of love is written in the I Corinthians 13 passage so be sure to look it up.  Keep these facts in mind:

• God’s love is faithful all the time and never proud or rude.
• God’s love doesn’t envy and won’t boast. 
• God’s love can’t be angered and never thinks evil thoughts about you. 
• God’s love doesn’t rejoice in evil or injustice but loves the truth. 
• God’s love bears, believes, endures and hopes in ALL things.
• God’s love cannot fail you — ever. 

Here are some obvious Biblical truths:

• When you are/were angry at God, He wasn’t angered with you. 
• When you surrendered the care of your unborn child(ren), His love for you endured.
• If we fell into sin (promiscuity, drug abuse, etc.), He believed in us and knew that we were hurting. His love waited for us. 
• God’s love waited until we were able to bear the thought of our sins and turn to Him for help. 
• His love watched over us during our time in sin and protected us in spite of our choices.  
• God didn’t care that we rejected Him.  He wasn’t leaving us no matter what we did to push Him away. 
• God’s love didn’t care if we felt worthy because He made us to be worthy. 

There has never been a moment in our existence that we were ever able to earn God’s love because He gave it to us when He conceived us in our mother’s wombs. 

It’s hard to understand that kind of love because there are so few examples on earth.  That’s because our world is full of humans.  God isn’t human and doesn’t love that way.  But He wants us to learn to love others in this same way.  It is the most important part of healing, to understand God’s loving nature.

Perhaps you can’t comprehend God’s love right now.  That’s okay.  God loves you enough to help you understand this devotion.  He will be patient, gentle and kind with you.  He will stand beside you as you cry or are angry with Him.  There is nothing you can say or do that will turn Him away from loving you.  

You may as well just get used to the idea that He’s going to teach you about His love in a way that few can comprehend.  Why are you so special?  I don’t know.  I’m not God. 

He doesn’t expect us to understand.  Take time to think about this perfect love and allow yourself to have a seed of hope that in believing in God, you will quickly discover the love you’ve been searching for in the places of religious assembly.  First Corinthians 13:13 says, And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 

God loves you, my friend.  He truly does.  Ask Him to help you know this love in your heart.  If you don’t feel anything, don’t panic.  He’s there.  It just may take Him a while to break down the walls of your heart to let His love shine in!

 Sydna A. Masse

August 12, 2011

Imagine the USA without any women! In her new book, Unnatural Selection: Choosing Boys Over Girls and the Consequences of a World Full of Men, admittedly pro-abortion writer, Mara Hvistendahl, outlines the tragic reality of gender-based sex selection in our world. Through careful research of United Nations population statistics and other significant studies, combined with ongoing interviews around the world, Hvistendahl shares that internationally as many as 160 million women have been aborted since 1980.  These missing women were discovered in the womb and aborted simply because their parents  preferred a son over a daughter.

Specifically, her conclusion on page six of this book, about the impact of this gender-based sex selection, is heart-wrenchingly ominous: “If 160 million women were missing from the U.S. population, you would notice — 160 million is more than the entire female population of the United States… Imagine the bus or the subway or the car that takes you to work, then erase the females commuting alongside you. Erase your wife and your daughter. Or erase yourself. Imagine this and you come close to picturing the problem.”

In trying to “erase” myself, I soon personalized this new truth in my heart. For each of these missing woman there is a mother and father, a family and a nation that is impacted.

Survival Guilt

There were two “missing women” in my family. My mother’s first two children, my sisters, died in infancy. Tragically, Naomi was born with Spinal Bifida and lived six short months. Cydney was born with a hole in her heart and lived just three days. When my mother’s third pregnancy resulted in a healthy son, she was immediately intent on trying again. Nothing was going to stop her from “replacing” her lost daughters. Despite the fact that my father didn’t want to attempt another potential pregnancy loss, my mother succeeded in getting pregnant with me three years later.

Due to the lack of gender testing at the time, my mother waited a full nine months to determine if her daughter dreams had been fulfilled. She knew it was her last chance to have a girl due to her advanced age. When I escaped her womb, her doctor knew her determination for a daughter. He jokingly announced, “Mary, you have another son!” Mother often admitted being deeply disappointed in that announcement. When this physician placed me in her arms a few seconds later, she said, “My world stood still. God had answered my prayers for a daughter at last!”

A few years ago I remarked to my mother that I had always dreamed of my two big sisters in Heaven and wondered what my life would have been like had they survived. Mother giggled as she relayed, “Oh Sydna, I didn’t want four children. Had your sisters lived, I never would have gotten pregnant again.” Suddenly survivor guilt settled into my heart as I realized my sister’s deaths were the only reason for my existence. Just like in the case when these millions of parents aborted girl babies to be able to “try again” for a son, these lost women were suddenly felt at a personal level within my heart. 

Trying Again

As the mother of three sons, I know what it is like to, “Try again for a girl.” Certainly my husband, Tom, and I considered a fourth pregnancy, hoping for a daughter. That thought was short lived when Tom encountered an overwhelmed father in the mall. He was pushing a double stroller, leading three little boys through a store. Curious, Tom questioned this dad, asking, “Tried again for a girl, huh?” The blue colored blankets in the stroller offered insight as the father relayed joyfully, “Yes, and now we have a soccer team!” Since twins ran in both our families, and there were no guarantees our fourth child would be a girl, we determined we should be satisfied with our family size and look forward to potential granddaughters.

During one memorable date night a few years ago, my husband watched a mother and daughter sharing an intimate dinner together. They obviously had a close and loving bond. Quietly, a tear developed in the corner of Tom’s eye. When I queried him as to the source of his deep reflection, Tom’s response was, “You will never have a daughter. It is such a shame.” His grief was different from mine in this situation. Since I had never have had a daughter, I simply don’t know what I’m missing! But I can imagine…

Illuminating Ultrasounds

Ultrasound technology is outlined as the culprit of this tragic development of 160 million missing women in Ms. Hvistendahl’s book. While not necessarily an issue in American families, the international audience has clearly utilized ultrasounds to detect and eliminate female fetuses since 1980. While many nations have established laws against gender based sex selection, the number of women around the world choosing to abort female fetuses continues to escalate. The consequences are obvious in the skewed sex ratios, resulting in more males being born than females.

Clearly, these lost women are impacting our world already. On page 26, the author outlines that, “The decision to abort is most often made by a woman — either the pregnant woman herself or her mother-in-law, who has a vested interest in her son’s offspring.” Ms. Hvistendahl also outlines personally viewing grief for these gender-based pregnancy losses while attending a primarily all-female Protestant state-sponsored church outside of Beijing. When the female pastor outlined that it is wrong to pressure others to have sons, she was clearly speaking about aborting daughters. The author reflects that it was a small moment in a long sermon, “But it stays with me long after I leave.” Later parishioners curl up on the floor and, “Then they cry, loudly and in unison, in waves of long, tearless wails.”

After she instilled “survivor guilt” in my heart, my mother went on to casually state that had ultrasound been available to diagnose the birth defects in her first two pregnancies, she certainly would have aborted her deformed daughters. Knowing the emotional pain of abortion personally, I attempted to educate her that holding her daughters, even for a short while, was better than never knowing them at all. She disagreed saying, “You don’t know the pain of watching your child die.” Her point was not about the benefits of abortion but more about the pain of infant loss. I remained silent in my opposing views as she grieved her daughters once more.

In reading Hvistendahl’s book, I had to ponder what my mother would have decided if abortion had been legal back then and she “discovered” I was not a woman through the use of an ultrasound. Ultrasounds care not 100% accurate, after all.  Mother confessed to being “disappointed” when my brother was born. Her bonding process with her son was far different than with her daughter. Would she have given birth to another son if she could have ended the pregnancy and had another chance to, “Try again for a girl?”  It doesn’t take a lot of thinking at that level to “erase” my own existence from this world.

Impact on Families

When my parents divorced, my brother chose to live with his father, speaking volumes about his relationship with our mother. The unaddressed emotional loss of two daughters certainly had a massive impact on my parent’s marriage, mental health and parenting skills. Missing children are long remembered, even when the are aborted. Less than eleven years after my birth, that pain helped tear our family apart. The loss of so many children must have an impact on future family harmony at any international level!

Hvistendahl ominously also outlines, “Since fewer women lead to fewer births, factoring a skewed sex ratio at birth into global population projections yields low estimates for the total population 25 or 50 years out.”  These missing women won’t be having children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren.  Clearly the consequences to this situation will be with us for a long time globally.

Extra Men

What of the “surplus men” who cannot find wives? These are the individuals who are left over in a world where everyone who wants to marry can do so. The author makes a projection on page 15, “Historically, societies in which men substantially outnumber women are not nice places to live. Often they are unstable. Sometimes they are violent. As the first generation touched by sex ratio imbalance grows up, the silent biological discrimination that is sex selection has been exacerbated by more visible threats to women, including sex trafficking, bride buying, and forced marriages.“ 

I doubt many considered abortion’s potential to significantly alter the course of human history, resulting in 160 million less women in our world. If conceived at another time, and in a different location, many of us may have never been born either. Clearly little has improved for women’s rights globally, in spite of legal access to abortion.

Sydna A. Masse

August 2, 2011

If you are struggling with a past abortion decision, please visit Ramah International’s “The Healing Place” for more insight, education and comfort.  Pregnancy centers across the world offer abortion recovery services.  To locate the center in your area, visit Ramah International’s “Help in Your Area” pages.

Sydna A. Massé is President and Founder or Ramah International (ramahinternational.org) and author of the book, Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion.  She and her husband, Tom, have three adult sons, and reside in Fayetteville, AR.

Here is a link to today’s new issue of “At the Center” magazine that features my new article entitled, The Repeat Abortion Factor.

This piece is written specifically for individuals involved in pregnancy center work but contains helpful information for anyone who is struggling with a past abortion decision.  We welcome your comments! 

SYDNA MASSE

But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’ Luke 10:33-35

“I ain’t been through anything like that before!” Alexander cried and then continued to sob uncontrollably on my shoulder.

My only response to this seemingly ten year old boy was, “I know.  I haven’t either.  I just watched everything that happened to you and I gotta tell you that Jesus has a big plan for your life because he just saved you!”

Moments earlier my husband and I had been casually traveling down the back roads of Alabama.  We were heading home after two weeks of work in Florida.  The project that had been our “manna” in times of recession was nearly completed.  Much had been accomplished and we could see the light at the end of that tunnel.  Knowing from our sons that Arkansas had experienced torrential days of long rain, we were anxious to get home.

As we joined Interstate 65 North, headed into Montgomery, Alabama, we noticed traffic picked up and both of us became more alert.  After successfully navigating through that city, things moved at 65 mph  as we approached the southern edge of Birmingham.

Suddenly Tom said, pointing ahead of us, “Watch him!”  I refocused my attention where he was pointing.  The driver of a red car ahead of us had just lost control of his vehicle.  The car skidded to the left and hit the median. It was spun around, turning 180 degrees.  Then it careened back into our path.  The vehicle then cut across our traffic lane ahead of us and hit the right embankment very hard.  As Tom pulled our car to a stop, we watched this automobile flip two times and come to a grinding thud less than 25 yards in front of us.

Tom immediately said, “We must take a moment.   Acting quickly in these situations is when a person can die. ”

“But the car is smoking, Tom.  You MUST get those people out of that vehicle,” I responded as the reality of witnessing such an event sent adrenalin into my body.

“I know, Sydna.  Okay.  There’s a big truck pulling up behind us.  You call 911 and I will go to them,” he said.  “You MUST stay in this car, Sydna.  It isn’t safe on the side of this road.”

I agreed and worked to make the 911 call.  When the operator answered, I know that I screamed into her ear.  I said, “There’s been an accident south of Birmingham…”

“Where are you?” the operator asked.

Realizing that I did not know exactly where we were, I leaned out the door to see if there was a sign nearby.  I saw my husband kneeling at the damaged car’s driver’s side door, speaking to the passengers.  Obviously they were alive because immediately a young boy jumped quickly from the vehicle, followed by an older man.  Thankfully they appeared unharmed.  Tom embraced the driver and listened to the advice of the person who had stopped right ahead of the crash.  He instructed the two to sit down in case they were in shock.

In my rearview mirror I saw people were gathering behind our car.  I yelled, “Where are we?”

One young girl answered but I could not hear her voice over the deafening traffic.  I left the vehicle without thinking of my promise to Tom and put the phone to her ear so she could speak to the 911 Operator.  As I listened she said, “We are at Mile Marker 223 going north into Birmingham on I-65.”  She handed me back the phone and I heard the operator say, “Help is on the way!”

Realizing my husband’s wisdom earlier, I yelled at the gathering crowd to go back to their vehicles, saying, “People die on the side of the road of accidents.  Please don’t make this worse and go back to your cars.”

As I turned back, I saw Tom speaking with the driver.  He and the boy had sat down but were miles apart in body language.  I realized that the driver was not this young boy’s father.  My heart broke for the young boy who sat alone and uncomforted.

Looking back over to Tom, I saw his clear “Get back in the car!” stare.  I ignored him and pulled a blanket from the back seat.  Getting back into our rented car was simply impossible for me.  There was a traumatized child before me that needed comfort.  I was also thinking about potential shock and the fact that keeping them warm was important.

Tom started towards me and yelled for me to collect our water bottles.  I grabbed our remaining two, partially filled water bottles and handed them to him.  “I need a washcloth,” he said as he arrived at our car.

I handed him these items to him and asked, “Can I go and comfort the boy?”

With a big smile, Tom said, “Absolutely!”  He then proceeded to walk me by the hand to the boy.  Later he would relay his reasons for not making me go back inside our car.  There wasn’t time to argue with me and I would be safer with the boy, down the embankment, than by the side of the busy highway.

When I arrived at this child, I didn’t notice that he was actually an older boy, somewhere between 10 and 12 years. I had thought he was 8 or 9.  I simply said, “Little boy, are you okay?”

His response was immediate.  You see, my eyes saw no color.  He was a child to my mother’s heart.  Tom would later relay that the young man saw my color.  His skin was different from mine – black versus ivory white.  We were also in Alabama where cross cultural issues were more strained.  Tom felt he initially took offense at my calling him “boy.”

At the time I felt that the boy was initially rejecting my comfort because of the accident.  I was very familiar with young men (my own sons) who could reject any physical reassurances in times of trauma.  Before I was allowed to be this young man’s momentary friend, he needed to know I meant him no harm.

“Look in my eyes, honey,” I asked quickly and calmly.

I sat down next to him but respected his personal space.  As our eyes met, I said, “I know what you have just been through because I watched it.”

Instantly he trusted me.  With a big cry he leaned into my arms and sobbed on my shoulder.  It was a sense of relief to be welcomed into the inner circle of this boy’s life enough to offer emotional support.

After I told him about Jesus having a big plan for his life, I caught my breath and simply gave him a motherly rock.  I had often comforted my growing sons in the same manner.  Then I rubbed the side of his head and realized he had a large bump next to his temple.  I asked if that hurt and he could not answer.  He was too busy crying and, back and forth, working to collect himself to be strong.

I scanned his body but there was only the dirt from the embankment on his legs. There was no glass or blood anywhere.  Relieved, I helped him take a swallow of a sports drink the driver in the car ahead of us had provided.

Then I heard water spilling and looked up to see Tom helping the driver clean his face and hands of shattered glass with our remaining water.  That was the reason for the wash cloth.  When clean, the driver sat down next to us, purposely keeping a yard away.

While rocking the young boy,  I looked over at the driver.  Our eyes met and I could tell from his soft look that he was grateful for my presence with this boy.  Understanding Tom was there for his needs, I returned my attention to the young boy.

Alexander and I, along with Tom and the driver, had maybe six minutes together by the side of  I-65, mile marker 223.  It was a life time.

I felt something rip from my heart then in understanding that for the rest of these young men’s life, they would remember this exact moment.  Traumatic incidents are usually remembered vividly.  Our comfort in these next moments would be a memory  that could remain until their lives ended.

As the ambulance arrived, this little man grew more fearful, clinging to me closely.  He said, “Why is that ambulance here?”

I said, “They are here to make sure you are okay.”

His response was, “I don’t want them here.  I don’t want to go in an ambulance!”

By this point he had began to fight my embrace so I loosened my arms and looked him in the eyes again.  I quietly asked, “Why don’t you want to go in the ambulance?”

As the paramedics approached us, he said, “Because they will take me to the hospital and I’ll have an operation!”

Suddenly my husband took my arm and said, “It’s time to let the professionals take care of  him, Sydna.”  As Tom pulled me away, all I could do was voice his concerns to the man that was taking over my position of comfort.

Later I would learn that while I was completing the accident report with the police, Tom had overheard the young boy tell the paramedic that his name was Alexander.  It astounded me that I had never even asked his name in our brief time together.

When Alexander remembers the accident, it’s logical to conclude he may recall the comfort I offered.  My prayer is that he will associate that comfort with Jesus.  Likewise, I will always remember Alexander.  This incident is part of my life now, like the names and hearts that are heard over Ramah’s phone lines. I know when God brings their memory to my heart, I will remember them in prayer.  Perhaps that was God’s only reason in our path’s colliding!

Obviously, God can use us anywhere He wants to, at any time or circumstance.  Sometimes it’s simply impossible to prepare because these events are suden and unexpected.  It is in being used by God to help others that we are blessed, as outlined in Proverbs 11:25, A generous person will prosper; whoever refershes others will be refreshed.

I may never witness such an event again but if I do, I will be more prepared to respond.  And hopefully, Alexander and the driver will remember that God clearly saved their lives on May 6, 2011 and discover His purpose for getting their attention in such a unique way!

Sydna A. Masse

June 28, 2011

Taking Home

My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you (Psalm 84:2-4).

Home can be a futile heart concept this side of Heaven.  God has called us to be “strangers” on this planet.  Still, each of us longs for a place called “home” where we are surrounded by loved ones and are meshed in peace and love.  Our concept of “home” often depends on what we learned about this abode in the past.  If home life was difficult and painful, achieving peace and love in our current circumstances can be a struggle.

God wants to heal every dark place of our heart, bringing us understanding and wisdom of His overall goal in this world.  God designed each step of our life in the script He wrote for us before the world was formed, as outlined in Jeremiah 1.  The synergy of our individual screenplays is sometimes best achieved when we wind back down the road of our memories.  The effort is a  “meet and greet” of the memories of our past in order to heal pain that may still lurk inside our hearts.

Over the healing years of my life, God has often told me to say “hello” to the Sydna of my past.  While that girl was so young, I can still see, feel and hear the pain of her tortured past.  Long ago, with God so specific in this leading, I knew that if I addressed these memories, I could possibly bid this pain farewell forever. God would lead me to the point of synergy of viewing the entire picture of my life and the fulfilled promise that He would turn “all things together for His good” (Romans 8:28).

For me, Michigan is a wonderful place to be FROM but many love it.   During my childhood there, I had longed for the day that I could leave the entire state behind.  My future simply couldn’t belong to the cold bitter place where so many painful memories existed.  This mindset was one of the reasons I chose abortion.  In my youthful mind, having a baby could lock me into that state forever.  Other states would host the title of “home” to me over the years – California, Arizona, Colorado, Florida and currently, Arkansas.

The name of my childhood home sounds desolate still — Plainwell. The memories triggered by that title involve my days as a preacher’s kid, then my journey through my parent’s scandalous divorce, supporting my mother emotionally until she remarried, and an eventual crisis pregnancy that ended in abortion.  The final point of my life in Plainwell was my husband’s face asking me to choose between this town and being with him.  There was no hesitation in my heart in taking his hand.  Up until this point, I have never looked back.

God had healed these remembrances through the phases of my growth in Him.  But a big step still stood before me, involving physically walking the bases through my past, to reclaim what the enemy had taken from my life.

I had avoided Plainwell for twelve years. Such an excursion could never be rationalized simply to attend a high school reunion. My mother and adopted father moved to Florida in 1988 so our vacations were always with them.  After helping these precious people die in 2007/2008, God moved my heart to go back to Michigan.  He put hope in my heart that in my intense grief over their deaths, Plainwell could be a comfort to my heart.

When a nearby pregnancy center invited me to lead a training seminar there, I knew I had no other excuse to stay home.  Soon afterwards, I touched down into the place that had once been listed as my home.  God had successfully led me back to other places to redeem recollections so I had great hope.   My heart was open and prayer coverage secured.  This “second” family welcomed me as their guest.  Nona and Mike Stafford’s home was a haven to mark this process.  A good firend, Nancy Knowlton, joined me to assist in the training.  Nona and Nancy were pillars, keeping my heart light in the wonder of what God had in store for this time in my life.

The first encounter was a with two high school friends that had married long ago – Pete and Kim Loftus, and their young son, Ian.  In an evening reminiscent of Billy Joel’s song, Scenes from an Italian Restaurant, we traipsed back through the years over dinner.  Reflections of our youth.  Pete joked that I had been entirely “too brilliant and smart” for anyone to compete with in elementary school.  He and Kim remembered me, in a detailed way, in the days before the pain set in.

Pete jokingly asked me to, “Do that thing with your tooth,” for his son.  I complied and the table was filled with laughter at the young boy’s astonishment.  Pete told his son, “She used to do that to me in the middle of third grade. I’d always have a shocked reaction that would get me into trouble for disturbing the class while she sat there innocently smiling.”  I giggled in the mental image of Pete’s youthful shock at my suddenly strange smile.  I was immediately comforted by the companionship of friends who have known me so long.  Only a handful actually know about my “tooth trick.”

During the early 70’s, my parent’s divorce had been one of the first Christian family separations in our small town. While divorce is common today, it was rare back then.  Because my birth-father had been a Baptist preacher, involved in an extra-marital affair, the break up had been particularly painful and scandalous.  That understanding intensified my recollection of the humiliation and scorn my mother and I had endured in those days in such a small town.

I shared with my friends about my plans for the next day – to walk through the parsonage where I had lived as a child.  The Loftus family felt they should be offered the same opportunity and wondered why you had to live somewhere else to be able to visit your childhood home.  Suddenly I realized that I had indeed been offered a rare opportunity to touch my past in having an open door at my childhood home.

The next morning’s visit to my former church and home was set for 10:00 a.m.  I had never been allowed to say goodbye to this abode.  My biological father  had sent my mother and I to visit family in Europe in 1972.  While we were gone, members of the church had moved us out of the house.  When I arrived back from Europe, I was truly homeless and alone.  My birth father had purchased a new home nearby but for some unknown reason, I was not allowed to live there.  Instead, I had been sent to live with my mother’s best friend, dear Nona.  This was the same dear woman who stood at my side on that day.

We started with a tour of the church and a discussion of the various construction projects over the years.  When the gym door opened, there was a picture of Nona’s deceased husband, Dave Hoard.  Seeing his face brought fresh grief to my heart.   While the sanctuary remained unchanged, the rest of the building was vastly different.  As their pastor’s wife opened the door to her home, I felt a rush of mental images of scenes that had occurred there.  God stood with me while I was removed from the present and sent quietly back into the past.

I could nearly touch my mother’s face as I visualized the memory of her doing dishes at the kitchen sink.  There was that distinct smell of cinammon rolls that she used to bake for the congregational members living in the nearby nursing home.  The twig she had planted in the backyard, in memory of her departed father in 1968, was now a huge tree.  The living room where I danced to the music of the Partridge family and the Carpenters was unchanged except for furniture.  I climbed the stairs to my old room where I was often afraid on those final days of their marriage, with only my Siamese cat to comfort me.  I listened once again to the voices of my parents arguing below.  The sound of items being broken as they were thrown across the room, and doors slamming shut as my father left the house, were close to my heart.

Soon we found ourselves around the dining room table where I remembered the various missionaries who had been welcomed into our home.  I realized the roots of hospitality that had been instilled in me during those moments.  My mother had carefully trained me in the art of making strangers feel welcomed — what she called “hospitality.”  As my companions talked among themselves, I asked if I could visit the basement.  “Sure.  Don’t mind the mess,” the pastor’s wife said.

The basement held the toughest memory.  I was eleven and my mother had just come home from a summer long hospitalization at a mental clinic.  My father had committed her because she had threatened to file for divorce if he did not end his relationship with the woman that had captured his heart, soul and mind.  To avoid this, and prevent further harm to his ministry, he had told the hospital she had experienced a “nervous breakdown.”  It took her three months to prove herself “sane” and be released.  She had just arrived back home.

The “movie” of that scene stood before me in that basement. It was the moment I realized my father’s mental issues. He was calmly informing us that we would be on a plane bound for Ireland the very next day.  I was being pulled out of school for six weeks to accompany her.  He was giving us 12 hours to pack.  Mother was pleading for more time to pack.  She was tired but had agreed to go.  She was looking forward to the emotional support of her Irish family members.   There was relief when he agreed to an extra two days and departed to return to the home of his eventual second wife.

Mother had then hugged me. Clearly she was encouraged.  She said that my father was a good man and that Europe would be a good experience.  When I brought up the subject of school, she spoke encouragement by saying, “Sydna, you won’t miss anything.  You will catch up easily.  Going away will be good for both of us and you will learn about your cultural roots.”  It had been a tender moment between us, full of love and bonding.  I had been so afraid in her absence that summer. Initially I had been left all alone until Nona called to relay she needed a babysitter that summer and felt I was perfect for the job. I had only seen my father from afar – on the pulpit on Sunday morning  - during those months.

Suddenly the “movie” moved to the next scene.  I stood by the new tenant’s ironing board in the same spot where my mother’s used to work.  Now I was the same age my mother had been at that long ago moment. I saw in my mind the feet of my birth-father barreling down those stairs.  He seemed to have experienced a change of heart.  Now he was yelling and demanding that we pack as he had changed his mind.  We were leaving the next morning as originally scheduled.

The male voice emanating from his chest was not my father’s voice but that of a stranger.  My youthful mind had dysfunctionally understood why he had left me alone so much of the summer.  I was no one that he thought was important enough to deserve his time or attention.  What I could not  grasp was why he was treating my mother so badly.  He had always been attentive to her.  Then, as quickly as he came, this angry man left us alone again.  He returned to the woman who was running all our lives at that moment.

I couldn’t remember what my mother had said then.  She could not speak but fell into a heap in front of the washer.  It was then that I started my existence as her sole comforter.  I bore witness to her husband’s transformation and he never held the spot of “parent” in my life again.  It was the last evening my parent’s would ever share the same roof.

In realizing that memory, tears rolled down my face and I grieved my mother’s death once again.  I missed the woman she had been before the pain and I grieved the elderly person that had recently passed so gracefully into heaven.  I was assaulted, once again, by anger for this man who had done so much damage to her heart.  God reminded me that these were unhealthy emotions that had no place in this moment in my healing process.  I asked my Creator to help me to once again forgive this birth-father.   Peace surrounded my heart and the anger dissipated.

As I emerged from the basement, I stopped and said goodbye to this house of my childhood.  It would never again bear the memories of the past in my recollections.  Those emotions had been put to death and resolved with God’s help.  The light conversation of my companions was suddenly a comfort.  Forgiveness was in place again and I was ready to move ahead to the next step of my healing journey with Christ.  We walked down the block and around the corner until I was satisfied that the heart work had been finished.  Later we would meet two individuals in the church parking lot who had also loved my mother.  Their condolences were unexpected blessings and a healing balm.

Why does God take us back to places and times where pain occurred?  Often it is because healing needs to take place. Unresolved memories can bind us to anger, bitterness and unforgiveness.   Grief can draw out unresolved pain which can lead to destruction.  These emotions can inhibit the work Christ wants to achieve through our lives on Earth.  In walking through these memories at a physical level in Plainwell, God reminded me that He had used each event to build His heart within mine.  None of my pain has ever been wasted on this life’s journey.   He helped me forgive and grieve again, using both to build my faith and draw me closer to Him, preparing me for His next step in this work.

In “touching home” in Plainwell, I’m also encouraged by II Corinthians 5:6-10:  Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

Thank you, Lord, for leading back to the fountain of your love and restoring my heart once again.  I’m looking forward to coming home to Glory in Your time…

Sydna A. Masse

Do Individuals Experience Regret After Abortion?

One of the biggest battles in the abortion issue has been over whether or not post-abortion syndrome (PAS), a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as it relates to abortion, really exists among women who have made this choice.  For the last twenty years I’ve been monitoring this discussion while hearing from tens of thousands of post-abortive women at various stages in their healing process.  Certainly abortion is perceived as a “traumatic” event for most, myself included.

For many women who have experienced a pregnancy loss due to an abortion, the immediate emotion after this choice is relief.  The “crisis” is over and life can go on as usual.  Once recovered from any physical pain surrounding the procedure, many women simply flow back into life as if nothing had been lost in the process.

The human mind can work perfectly in “forgetting” memories of pain. This process is sometimes referred to as “denial.”  Yet along the way, triggers can instantly resurrect closely-held memories and grief over the pregnancy loss can surface.   The time-line of this pain is as diverse as the women that choose this procedure. These initial feelings of relief can be temporary. For others, this relief can be a resting place for the rest of their lives.

Maybe this pain is resurrected by simply hearing the word “abortion” after intense media coverage of the political side of abortion politics. Conceivably, grief could occur around the due date of the aborted child or the abortion date itself.  Having subsequent pregnancies can also arouse feelings of pain.  Many times the recognition of pain arrives unexpectedly.  However it is triggered, deep recollection of this choice can be a devastating experience to endure.  Often it leaves a person considering their sanity.

Women who have made this choice RARELY admit this fact to anyone, even to their loved ones or personal physicians.  To even speak the “A” (abortion) word aloud threatens to dismantle the strong heart walls that read, “Do Not Enter!” this specific memory territory.  Sadly, these emotional walls that were designed to protect hearts also imprisons them.

When the pain comes, loved ones that know about this choice often offer comments like, “That’s all in the past.  Why bring it up now?”  For many, these memories are not in the past any longer.  Something, or someone, has broken down heart walls and entered the forbidden zone of an abortion memory.  How this wall was blasted down can come in a variety of ways.  But once it’s down, moving back into the safety of “forgetting” can be difficult.

Uncompassionate Messages

Pro-abortion messages that discredit potential pain after abortion abound.  Likewise, anti-abortion messages that cast post-abortive individuals as “murderers” or “killers” equally exist.  It is amazing that both sides of this issue — pro and anti-abortion — can be equally uncompassionate towards individuals who have made this choice. A compassionate approach to talking to the post-abortive directly would be the most useful. In our society, however, political perspectives can wound quickly.

One individual made the following statement about women who have made this choice:

“Why would a woman be angry at an abortionist? Because he is about to kill her child, and any woman knows that is wrong. She can’t help but know it. None of us can. It’s one of the deepest truths written on our hearts-that human life is sacred, and destroying an innocent life in the womb is one of the most violent acts imaginable.”

In this statement, the author hit on a perspective that is clearly inaccurate. Unless you are working closely with abortion-vulnerable women, you have no ability to draw conclusions about how these women think.  When such blanket comments are made, the pain of the post-abortive woman who has yet to heal from this loss can be magnified and  post-abortive pain can be triggered.

Knowing Better?

Pregnancy centers work diligently to educate clients in unplanned pregnancies to understand the emotional, spiritual, psychological and physical risks of the abortion procedure.  But youthful minds may be unable to fathom future pain and regret.  In America, abortion is “safe and legal” from a government perspective.  Being “legal” doesn’t mean “easy.”

Of those women who chose abortion, few do so in the mindset that they are, “destroying an innocent life,” and committing, “one of the most violent acts imaginable.” Like Frederica Mathews Green once said, “A woman doesn’t want an abortion like she wants an ice-cream cone or a Porsche, but like an animal caught in a trap who gnaws off its own leg.”

Despite all my years of healing and working in pregnancy care ministry, this author’s previous comment wounded my own heart immediately.  I literally screamed out loud because their words caused me pain, they certainly had the possibility of wounding other post-abortive readers.  Who would be there, while they were reading this article, to offer them the compassion of Christ that was not outlined?

If I felt judged by this author’s word, how would others who have yet to address their emotions related to a past abortion interpret these words?  Sadly, many will not respond at all.  They will simply sink further back behind their walls of pain, building it stronger and/or making the decision to never read anything from the same source again.  Others could absorb this statement as truth – that they somehow did KNOW better — and will feel judged and condemned once again.  Some may even consider suicide out of the desire to rejoin their lost child in heaven.  I doubt this author meant to lead vulnerable and wounded women to this point.  Everyone has a responsibility to remember the post-abortive reader whenever writing on this topic.

When pro-life individuals make generalized statements like these, they are speaking in a political framework.  Sadly, for post-abortive people, there is no distinction between politics and recovery when it comes to this “a” word.   The grinding premise that we somehow KNEW that we were committing the most violent acts imaginable simply isn’t true.  Few of us had any clue that we were aborting a precious potential person. Nor were we in a “murderous” frame of mind when we entered an abortion clinic.

Lack of Real Information

If post-abortive women cannot bear to think about their abortions, even fewer women will be able to discuss it within the confines of a statistical survey.  Because of the potential for judgment, few share about their abortion experiences.  Consequently, there will likely never be a reputable study that proves a distinct and scientific connection between future emotional, spiritual, psychological pain after an abortion decision.

Because I represent the post-abortive audience, and Ramah International offers a popular abortion recovery Bible study  (http://ramahinternational.org/ramahresources/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=35) , many contact me for specific information regarding this audience.  Over the years, I’ve communicated with tens of thousands of women who have made this choice.  It is from that exponential experience that I draw conclusions.

As most readers understand, it is difficult to study the impact of abortion using social science survey data as many women do not openly reveal their abortion experiences.  Even Planned Parenthood and other abortion researchers struggle with the reasons why women continue to choose abortion.  Therefore it’s difficult to deliver any statistically significant information on the post-abortive audience.

The American Psychological Association (APA) put together a taskforce in 2008 to study the claim that abortion can lead to emotional, psychological or spiritual consequences. The study was entitled, “Report of the APA task Force on Mental Health and Abortion” (http://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/abortion/index.aspx).  While unable to make a direct connection between mental health and abortion, the authors eventually concluded the following:

“There is unlikely to be a single definitive research study that will determine the mental health implications of abortion “once and for all” given the diversity and complexity of women and their circumstances.”

The report also outlined several factors that are predictive of more negative psychological response following first-trimester abortion among women in the United States.  These include:

• perceptions of stigma;
• need for secrecy;
• low or anticipated social support for the abortion decision;
• a prior history of mental health problems;
• personality factors such as low self-esteem and use of avoidance and denial coping strategies;
• characteristics of the particular pregnancy, including the extent to which the woman wanted and felt committed to it.

The task force also outlined that, “Women obtain abortions for different reasons; at different times of gestation; via differing medical procedures; and within different personal, social, economic, and cultural contexts. All of these may lead to variability in women’s psychological reactions following abortion. Consequently, global statements about the psychological impact of abortion on women can be misleading.”

Their final conclusion, however, was, “Nonetheless, it is clear that some women do experience sadness, grief, and feelings of loss following termination of a pregnancy, and some experience clinically significant disorders, including depression and anxiety.”

In researching the true connection that will legitimize the pain many feel after abortion, analysts on both pro and anti abortion sides have yet to compile any scientifically secure information to make a final determination.  Conclusions based on lack of statistical data are meaningless.

In their Fact Sheet, entitled “The Emotional Effects of Induced Abortion,” (January, 2007) Planned Parenthood admits that there are some variables that can affect the emotional outcome of abortion.  Below are a few of these “emotional” aspects of abortions that they now recognize:

• Emotionally unstable women with unstable living conditions, such as being in conflict with their parents, will most likely react to an unwanted pregnancy in a disturbed fashion — whether or not they bring their pregnancies to  term.
• Women, however, who expect to cope well with abortion, do. In general, women having a high degree of social, partner, and parental support for their decisions experience less distress or regret over their decisions.
• Women whose partners do not expect to cope well with an abortion may be more depressed, particularly when the woman herself feels this way, than women whose partners have positive expectations.
• According to a study looking at data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, feelings of distress felt after an abortion procedure are not experienced long-term if a woman has a high level of self-esteem or well-being before the pregnancy.
• Adolescents who feel that they have decided to have an abortion without pressure to do so from parents or others are less likely to experience negative reactions. Obversely, women who are persuaded by their partners against their own wishes to elect abortion experience greater feelings of guilt.
• Those who choose abortion because of genetic conditions may suffer more serious emotional effects and may have a greater need for counseling than those who elect abortion for socioeconomic or psychological reasons.

Ponder this — if abortion was such a great choice, why wouldn’t more be speaking about their personal experiences at a public level?   Why would I personally be one of the handful of healthy voices confessing this pain worldwide?  The “silence” of post-abortive people only reinforces the regret potential.

Every choice we make can have an impact on our future.  I am grateful for the support of a pregnancy center’s abortion recovery program nearly 20 years ago for helping me grieve this past pregnancy loss in a healthy manner.  My life was forever changed by the compassionate care and love I received in their midst.

Whether anyone ever proves this pain as a true mental health issue makes no difference.  For those of us who made this choice, we know differently.

If you are struggling with a past abortion decision, please visit Ramah International’s “The Healing Place” for more insight, education and comfort.  Pregnancy centers across the world offer abortion recovery services.  To locate the center in your area, visit Ramah International’s “Help in Your Area” pages.

Sydna A. Massé is President and Founder or Ramah International (ramahinternational.org) and author of the book, Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion.  She and her husband, Tom, reside with their 3 adult sons, in Fayetteville, AR.